Space Between
by kbillygoat
Summary: Development of Anna and Bates relationship set between Series 1 and Series 2. How Mr. Bates went "very keen" at the garden party to proposing to Anna at the beginning of series 2. Reviews greatly appreciated!
1. Chapter 1: Love and War

A/N: I wanted to delve further into the relationship of Anna and Bates. I felt like we missed so many great scenes between series 1 and 2. I plan on writing about their first kiss, Mr. Bates saying I love you for the first time, how others found out, and maybe even a fight or two.

I've seen a few stories like this already, so I hope mine is different enough. I think I'm focusing on this "happy" time of their relationship since our poor Mr. Bates is incarcerated. Free Bates!

Please let me know what you think. Any reviews are appreciated.

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_Later the night of the garden party. August 1914_

John had been sitting out at the courtyard reliving the day. So much has happened in so little time. There was to be a war, but the war was not worrying him this evening. His thoughts were on her, they were always on her, his perfect Anna. Anna knew about Vera. She still didn't know the truth about everything, but she knew enough. She should be disgusted by him, he was disgusted enough with himself, but her faith in him was unwavering. He then heard her footsteps. Her sweet, gentle footsteps coming out to see him, to comfort him.

She stopped in front of him. "Will you have to go to war?" Anna asked tentatively. She seemed to fear his answer, not ready to lose him.

"No, I don't believe so." John replied. He saw the concern etched in Anna's face and her furrowed brow. "They would want men much younger and well, less broken than me." John looked at his leg. He desperately wanted to put a smile on Anna's face. "If they want to send me to the front, they might as well pack me in a box because it would bring the same result," he joked.

A slight smile etched across Anna's face but she was not completely pleased. "I don't even want to joke about that. I could never imagine. And what if Lord Grantham goes? What would you do?"

John thought for a moment. "I don't think they would call him up anytime soon. Especially when there are young men still around like Thomas and William. And I imagine, I will be at Downton Abbey for a long time." John almost added an unless to his statement. He had been pondering it for a while, and there may be a situation where he would leave Downton. But how could he explain that now? He had to work it in somehow.

"And that makes you happy? Even after what you found out about Vera?" John did not want to cause Anna any hurt, but he had to discuss not only what she found out from his mother, but also his side of the story. He owed it to her to finally explain, yet he hesitated. Maybe he did not want to betray her trust in him just yet. It felt good to have someone on his side no matter what.

"It's not ideal, but I don't think anything can change my feelings, especially when it involves my happiness and you being around. But" Anna stopped.

"But it's a complication and I was not forthright with you when I said I wasn't free. I should have explained sooner." He took a deep breath. He had to make her understand. John hoped she would refuse to give up on him, but she had to for her own good. He knew what he had to say would remove her smile. But he can't lead her on forever. "You must realize there can never be anything. I have nothing to offer and am still a married man. Even having this conversation isn't proper."

Saying the word proper seemed very ironic. Why should they care, they weren't lords and ladies? But John knew there would be consequences for them both if anything continued. And because she was a woman, Anna would have to face the brunt of the scandal. If they were ever caught, they could both lose their jobs at Downton. An affair with a married man would follow Anna wherever she would go. And even if they never were physical, rumors could be just as painful as the truth. How could he make her understand?

"Maybe it'll be best if we take a step back from our…" John paused for a second. He almost said the word relationship, but he did not want to use that word to describe them, it would be too dangerous. A relationship to him meant more than friendship and that was something they could not be. "Our friendship. Spend a little less time with each other. Maybe you could find a lad in town." He hated the sound of that as much as she did, but he knew the next part would upset her the most. "Or, if necessary, I could leave and find another post." He felt like a total hypocrite. He had just said he would be staying at Downton yet he was taking it back already. He knew he shouldn't have given her false hope before, but he wanted to see that smile. And yet, if he told her everything about Vera, she would be completely repulsed by him. Did he really have to shatter her opinions of him?

"So we should just ignore each other and not talk anymore. Or if I won't leave you alone, you are going to leave Downton? Is that an ultimatum? Do you really want to leave here? Do you really want to be done with me?" Anna hissed to John.

That was the exact opposite of what he wanted. John looked forward to their moments together and the idea of truly leaving her was unfathomable. His time with Anna was intoxicating. He would fall asleep with her face in his mind and wake up with her name on his lips. John would go out-of-the-way to spend time with her. When he wasn't with her, all he could think about was her. And even when they were together, he always wanted more. His feelings for her were all-consuming.

"It's not about what we want."

He knew what addiction was and how hard it was to break it. In the past, alcohol provided brief reprieves from his pain, but it would always come back worse when he sobered up. John got very good at not sobering up. And when he entered prison and finally detoxed his system, he experienced worse pain than being shot. John could still remember the process. He suffered hallucinations for days and barely slept at night. He was freezing and burning up at the same time. He retched for days even at the smell of food. His heart was beating way too fast and his head was pounding way too hard. But deep down, John knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. His belief that quitting alcohol would make him a better man kept him going in his darkest hours. And eventually, each day got a little easier than the last.

But quitting Anna would be worse than that experience. To be near her and never talk to her, impossible. John would spend all his time avoiding her but she would never escape his thoughts. He could imagine the agony of sitting across from her without making eye contact. And the worst part of it all, would be the pain on her face. She would not give up easily. And every frown and tear would be because of him. In trying to do everything to protect her, he would just destroy her.

John had been able to avoid alcohol since entering jail, but he would relapse if he ever tried to avoid Anna. How could he not try to comfort her, make her laugh, just watch her? And with quitting alcohol, he was making himself stronger, better. But Anna was what made him a better man. He had felt the effect she had on him since the beginning. Instead of being a bitter, angry, drunk and convict, he was transforming into a respectable member of the household. His only choice would be to leave. As long as they were under the same roof, they would be drawn to each other. But leaving seemed just as bad as staying. How did he ever get himself into this situation? John never expected Anna's love but now that he had it, he didn't want to let it go.

"Anna, there is no path forward for us. No matter how bad I want there to be."

Anna finally sat down next to him, but left a good distance between them. John had avoided eye contact with her but finally looked. She did not look as upset as he expected, but she refused to look at him for several minutes. John felt he always knew what was on her mind, but now he had no idea how she was going to react. He wanted to hold her and confess his love, but he had to be strong. John instead looked back down at his hands.

"I knew you would try something like this. Try to get rid of me. But it's not going to work. If I truly believed you meant it and that you do not care for me, well Mr. Bates, I would leave you alone. But you are saying all of this because you are trying to protect me, and my honor." John felt Anna glaring at him.

"Mr. Bates, will you look at me?" He did. Holding her gaze was difficult but looking anywhere else was impossible. Anna continued, "I love you. And I know you care for me. You may not say it, but you cannot deny it. The world is changing and not just because of the war. And the only future I see is with you, in whatever way possible. If the only moments we have are late night talks in the courtyard, I would still be yours forever."

Anna's honesty and tenacity always amazed, and dare he say it, turned him on. Her confidence in him and their relationship was irresistible. He wanted to believe her words with all of his heart. John did not doubt her love, she would never let him, but he had seen so much more of life. He did not deserve her love and could never ask for it. He was a broken man. She knew he was a drunk and a convict, but she still did not know the worst about him. John wanted to tell her, but her ferocity and openness made him falter. He could not ruin this, not yet, instead, he decided to make some gesture.

John inched closer to her and finally eliminated all the space between them as he put his arm around her. At first, Anna seemed completely taken off guard, but she was not going to argue. She silently put her head on his chest and just relaxed in his arms. Feeling her in his arms was indescribable. Even though this was their first intimate embrace, it felt like Anna belonged there.

"Anna, you are right. I cannot and will not deny I have feelings for you."

She looked up at him and John wanted to kiss her so badly. But he stopped himself. He could not do any more until he confessed. He did not feel strong enough for that conversation tonight, but soon, he would have to tell her everything about Vera. No, he would not kiss her lips yet. Instead he lightly pressed his lips against her forehead. He felt her smile on his chest and pressed his nose into her hair.

"I do not deserve you." And after that, they sat in complete silence in each other's arms. John wished the moment could last forever, but his past would forever haunt their future.


	2. Chapter 2: Mr Mosley's Question

_Early September 1914_

John sat down next to Anna who was already working on a dress at the table. He placed the pants on the table and hesitated before he started working on the stain. It was an unofficial rule for some time that any little task they could do, they would both do it before bed in the servants' hall. Other servants may do work in their rooms or throughout the day, but Anna and John would always wait for each other. She seemed to have an effect where not only was he more productive, but the work was entirely more enjoyable. Some nights they would work in complete silence and others would be spent chatting, but they were always John's favorite part of the day.

"Pretty dress, is it Lady Mary's?" John inquired.

"Well, it was, but now it's mine. I've been meaning to alter it for weeks and finally found some time. It's been a quiet week." Anna replied

John knew what she meant. There were some weeks where he felt he did not have time to dress himself, let alone be there for Lord Grantham. But this week has passed very simply. Maybe the war was finally touching Downton. The family was entertaining others less and leaving less. John rather enjoyed the downtime and never thought he would appreciate the relaxation war brought.

John looked down at the dress Anna was working on. He could not remember Lady Mary in it, but he had no trouble seeing Anna dressed in the light blue frock. He knew she would be breathtaking and would be able to display a little more skin than the uniform allowed.

"Then it's a dress fit for the person that will be wearing it." He liked giving her these complements. He may not be able to tell her everything, but he loved eliciting an extra smile and blush of her cheek from his words.

They both continued in silence for a while. "Are you the jealous type, Mr. Bates?" Anna asked with a cheeky smile.

John worried this was some sort of trap. Both possible answers would lead to conversational consequences and he was sure she was ready for either. But John had to truly reflect on the answer. Before the war, he never really had the need to be jealous of Vera. They were still newlyweds and enjoying their new lives together. He supposed he did not like a look a guy would give her on the street from time to time, but he never felt threatened.

And after the war, he soon found he could care less where Vera spent her time. He would enjoy his whiskey, and she could enjoy whoever's company she wanted. She made sure she performed her wifely duties when he first returned. But they soon replaced any intimacy with alcohol and verbal sparring. John found himself drawn less and less to Vera for any companionship, but she seemed unfazed by his rebuke. A few months after his return, a colleague confirmed John's suspicions about Vera's unfaithfulness. It appeared one affair was still ongoing and others had happened while he was gone. He knew he should be upset that his wife was unfaithful, but he just felt indifferent to the situation. He still loved to throw it in her face during a fight, calling her a slut and a bitch, but it was more about hurting her than being jealous.

John now considered his feelings for Anna. He would hate to ruin the purity of their relationship, but he could see himself being jealous. He had wanted to push her towards someone else, anyone else. But how would he react? Not very well. He would cringe if she ever saw her smile directed towards anyone else. And would she still rely on him as a confidant? Would she confess her feelings about someone else to him? She had no problem sharing all of her thoughts with him. He dreaded the thought of a future where he would actually have to listen to her talk about another man. Just imagining Anna with another man caused him more pain than the knowledge that Vera had many lovers.

John decided to respond truthfully and yet cryptically, "Well, that depends. Do I seem envious?"

"Well, I was reflecting on something that happened this afternoon and was debating if I should tell you."

John tried to force a smile, but was this moment actually coming? Was she going to confide in him the spark she felt with another man? "I've never known you to be hesitant while talking to me."

Anna started her story, "Well, Mr. Mosley was here earlier. And he was asking me when my next afternoon off was. He wanted to spend it with me." Anna paused for a while and looked up at John. He knew she was looking for some sort of reaction, but he made none. He was trying to bluff away any hints of jealousy. John was hoping she says he shot him down. But what right did he have for that hope? She should be able to see any man that asks her. He has never properly acknowledge their relationship and isn't this what he wanted? For her to find someone else? But John was hoping it would be someone more deserving than Mr. Mosley. Nothing per say was wrong with the man, but he seemed to lack confidence and charisma. He was nice enough and would never harm Anna, but Mosley just seemed dull. John had been staring at Anna for a while before she finally continued.

"I thanked him for the offer but told him I wasn't sure if I could spare the time. And then he offered to take me out any time I was available. Well, he was not that specific, but hinted that he would like to take me on a date. And you know how I am. I tried to be sweet, but I had to be direct and make sure he knew my feelings would not be anything more than friendship. I think you will find the next part particularly enjoyable."

Anna did not need to add that last statement to piqué his interest. John was very intrigued by any offer another man laid before her. There was a sense a relief when she explained she turned him down. But there was something about her smile that told him he was not out of the woods yet.

"You see, Mr. Mosley said he understood because he heard I was seeing someone else. If you could imagine, I was quite shocked because I did not even know about this someone else. So of course I questioned him for more information."

Anna's tongue was pressing behind her teeth as she taunted him. He knew he was caught. John was trying to think of the best defense, but maybe he should just tell her the truth.

"Mr. Mosley seemed a bit flustered and hesitant and mumbled a few words. But I distinctly heard him say Mr. Bates before he turned away. Do you have any idea what he could be talking about?"

Both of them had been so engrossed in their conversation that they have completely stopped any work. John decided to feign interest in the trousers during the last part of her story and was intent on looking down for a bit longer. He could feel Anna's eyes on him and thought he should at least explain a bit to her.

"He may have gotten a certain impression from a conversation we had at the garden party. He showed interest in your personal life and I may have overstepped some boundaries by intervening."

"And how did you do that?" Anna pressed.

"I believe I told him there was someone in your life that he is hard to read but was quite keen on you."

"Do I know this someone?" Anna would not make this simple for him. She was determined to make him express his feelings. John wished he could say how much he loved her. But he still has a wife and could never put Anna in an improper position. He was being a total hypocrite. His actions clearly showed he cared for her, but he refused to say anything too promising. It may be semantics, but denying he does not have feelings is not the same as confessing he does. And using words like "caring" and "keen" was not the same as saying "I love you." Part of him wanted her to doubt his feelings and eventually doubt her own affections for him. That part was quickly losing out to the part that wanted her to be his and only his.

John drew a deep breath, "Anna, of course I am quite keen on you, but I can't expect you to wait forever. And I reconsidered your earlier question. I am afraid I am a jealous man. I can't stomach thinking about you with another man. I am horribly selfish and want you all to myself."

John looked down and saw that he had intertwined her fingers with his own. Hers were soft and cold but he warmed them up. The spark he felt by the simplest of physical contact was insatiable. If only they weren't in the servants' hall, he would risk more. He knew the hour was late but they simply stared at each other, hands together for several minutes without saying anything. He could hear her even breaths and feel the pulse in her hand. There was something so peaceful about being near her. Regretfully John gave her hand one last squeeze to announce his departure, "Good night, Anna. I look forward to seeing you in that dress. I know you will do it justice." And with that, John took the still stained trousers and headed towards his room.

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A/N: Thanks for the feedback so far. This chapter was a bit of fun, but the next one will be a little more serious.


	3. Chapter 3: Confession

_Mid-September 1914_

Carson looked constipated anytime he looked at Thomas, but for the most part, Carson seemed in very high spirits even though he was losing a footman. The general atmosphere seemed quite different from Gwen's departure. Everyone seemed very disappointed to see Gwen leave but very encouraging about her prospects. The night was full of jokes, and cheers, and even some tears, but all focused on Gwen. Mrs. Patmore had even been able to scrounge up the ingredients to make Gwen's favorite dessert, treacle tart. Her party seemed to focus on sending her off right.

On the other hand, tonight seemed to be less focus on celebrating Thomas and more just about celebrating. John felt he was in the majority with those happy to see Thomas go. Most servants seemed to enjoy the opportunity to have some fun and completely forgot the reason they were all there. Mrs. Patmore had made a cake, but as Thomas reminded everyone, he does not even like chocolate cake.

John knew Thomas was heading off to some hospital, but he was sure it would not be long before he would be placed in the war somehow, either as a soldier or a medic. More and more young men were being pulled away from the estate and town so he knew that Thomas would not be able to avoid the war forever. Wars were not bias in the battleground. Even if Thomas was sent to the front as a medic, bullets can find him as easily as any other. John never liked the man, but he knew war could be cruel to anyone. John hesitated for a moment, but eventually walked over to Thomas and held out his hand. "Best of luck to you, whatever the times may bring."

Thomas sniveled, "I don't need your pity or your luck." And turned his back on him.

John sat back down next to Anna. She had been watching the entire interaction. "Well, you tried. That's what makes you the _better_ man." Anna seemed to have emphasized "better man" compared to the rest of the sentence. He wondered if she was alluding to that night months ago where they had almost kissed. That was the first of many close moments. Would he be able to admit more to her if they had shared that kiss? John was picturing what kissing her would be like when Thomas started being loud.

"William, play the piano. I wanna dance with Daisy and get me a proper send off." Thomas ordered. John was sure Thomas was just doing this to assert his dominance over William one last night. Thomas got a sick pleasure out of undermining any attempt William made towards Daisy. Maybe things will change once Thomas is gone. He hoped so for William's sake.

Most of the attention of the room fell on Thomas and Daisy reminding John of a night years ago. Thomas and Daisy had danced the Grizzly Bear for everyone. He was a different man back then. He only thought of Anna as a friend and now that girl was his everything. Soon a stable boy started dancing with one of the younger maids and he saw another set of teenager's pair off to dance. And yet, John could only look at Anna.

He wished he could dance with her, hold her close, and hear her laugh in his ear. But there were so many reasons why he would not. John wasn't a very strong dance, even before his leg injury, but he knew Anna wouldn't mind. But John could already hear Thomas laugh at his expense. And while others were dancing, if John made a move, the rumors would start. It was normal for the young folks to have a good time and dance around, but it would be very strange to see the old cripple dance with the head housemaid. And John wasn't sure if he could control his happiness with Anna in his arms. Them dancing would draw a lot of unwanted attention. So no, he put that idea out of his head, he would not ask Anna to dance.

But at that moment, Branson came over and asked Anna for a dance. Of course, he was just being friendly, yet Anna looked back at John as if to ask permission. John chuckle slightly and nodded. He doubted anyone else noticed the exchange. As the others began to clap their hands with the music and watched the dancers, John only had eyes for her. She was a surprisingly light on her feet and a skilled dancer. John watched her eyes sparkle as her entire body glided. Even with hair falling loose and sweat on her brow, she looked gorgeous. John felt his owns breaths quicken as he watched her. The tune and steps were very lively so Branson did not hold her too close. Even though John did not feel threatened, he was envious that Branson was able to share this moment with her. As William began to play a different tune, John decided to get some fresh air.

The night air was crisp and cool signaling fall had arrived. John sat on a crate and placed his cane next to him. He could still hear the music and laughter in the servants' hall. He was mulling over his worries regarding Anna. The time had arrived to tell her his side of the story. Yes, she knew about the drinking, marriage, and arrest, but she had to hear about the man he was with Vera. Watching Anna in Branson's arms encouraged his decision. He glimpsed what Anna's life could be like if he was with a young and whole man. If she truly wanted to give that up for John, she would have to hear about the monster inside of him. While John had been able to control the rage and anger in recent years, he always risked losing that control. Not too long ago, he let his anger get the better of him with Thomas. Of course, Thomas deserved the threats, but those actions proved that the rage was still very alive in John. John imagined Anna's face as he would fully explain his past offenses. She would feel betrayed, disgusted, hurt and surely hate him, he hated himself. He could barely stand the thought of telling her, but he had waited too long.

As if Anna knew he was thinking about her, she walked outside. Her face was flushed from all the excitement and her hair was disheveled, but the very sight of her made his pulse quicken.

"There you are, Mr. Bates. I noticed you left but I had to wait until the song was over before I excused myself."

"I'm just upset that Thomas is leaving. I didn't want everyone to see me in tears." John teased.

Anna giggled as she sat down next to him and put her hands in his. He only wanted to remain silent with his arms around her, but he had to speak before he changed his mind again.

John's face grew tense as he pulled away from her. "Anna, I think it's time I told you everything. You know bits and pieces, hints from me and what my mother told you. But, I need to lay the whole picture in front of you, I owe you that. I've been avoiding this moment for months, but I can't keep playing you falsely. The only thing I ask is you listen to everything I have to say before you judge or comment."

Anna's demeanor switched from light-hearted to severe. John had alluded to many things, but it was time he finally confessed it all. John feared if she would interrupt him or try to comfort him, he would not be able to continue. He usually was a man of few words, but tonight, he had to say it all.

"I understand, Mr. Bates. I will be silent."

John took a deep breath. He might as well start at the beginning. "Vera and I married young, too young. Vera thought she was pregnant so I did the honorable thing. Once we found out she wasn't, we were already married, but it was still okay. I had convinced myself that I loved her and would spend the rest of my life with her. We would fight, we both had awful tempers, but it never got too bad. And then Lord Grantham chose me as his batman. The promotion gave hope to us both that we would make something of ourselves. I was just like so many young men today on the brink of war. You heard William the other day. All you think about is the glory you will bring your country, your family, yourself. Yes, you know there's death and risks, but all you focus on is the honor."

John had spoken all of his words slowly and carefully, but he knew it would only get harder to maintain control as he opened up. He was finally prepared to reopen all the wounds of his past but was frightened for the pain he would cause himself and Anna.

"I don't know if Africa truly changed me or simply brought out the worst of me. I have always struggled with my temper. You can ask my mother, I use to get into fights all through school. But the hate and bitterness took over my life. You're out there, day after day, killing men. And soon, you can no longer justify your actions with honor, only hate. I won't describe all that I saw, I try to block most of them from my memory."

Images of mangled bodies filled John's head but he had to shake them off. He already felt nauseous enough; he did not need to relive the war as well.

"I haven't told anyone this before, but if I didn't get injured when I did, I probably would have deserted or ended my life. I realized I no longer knew who I was. God, country, Vera, my mother, none of it mattered, I just wanted it to end."

Anna seemed to think that was the worst of it. But she kept her vow of silence. John noticed she was rubbing his arm to comfort him, but he did not deserve it. More was still to come.

"Being shot was just the beginning of the hell. While I was able to return home, I was not the same man who left. When I first returned, Vera and I feigned interest and compassion, but soon enough we blamed each other for our misfortune. I felt I ruined not only my own dreams, but Vera's as well. And she seemed to think the same. I expected my wife to support me and help me regain my life, but her disappointment butchered any compassion. Vera despised the shell of the man that I became. Our fights became more volatile, fueled by the alcohol and disappointment. I called her names and accused her of things that I don't even want to repeat. As Vera was comforted by lovers, I found my comfort with alcohol."

John's thoughts turned to his mother and how little she knew of his struggles. When his mother had written about Anna, she was curious and optimistic about John's future. But after this conversation, he would be letting his mother down again by ruining the one good thing in his life. If Anna could understand the pain he had caused his mother, Vera may have deserved it, but his mother did not.

"At one point, my mother tried to intervene. She was concerned about my drinking and my marriage. But her efforts were fruitless because it was too late for either issue. I took out my anger and disappointment on my mother. I pushed her away, refused to see her or visit. She was persistent for months, but eventually stopped. Maybe she was tired of being cursed at by her ungrateful son. Not only did I destroy Vera's life, but I broke my mother's heart."

John had not realized it before, but his entire body was shaking. He felt the tears in his eyes but refused to let them out. He refused to look at Anna and forced himself to continue.

"One night, Vera and I were having a row like always. It probably started about money, which was all she wanted me for at the point. She would challenge my manhood, mock my crippleness and what she considered laziness, and curse me for ruining her life. And she took to hitting me and throwing things at me. I would always use my words to seek retribution, but this night, she threw an ashtray at my head. The anger and alcohol made me lose all control."

John's words were breaking up and he felt a tear on his cheek, but he had to finish.

"I approached her and I.. I… I put my hands on her. I pushed her. I meant for it to get her attention but it was harder than I expected. And as she stumbled back, I saw the fear in her eyes. We have fought so many times, but I have never seen her so afraid. I was a madman, yelling in her face, and I actually clenched my fist to punch her. But… but at the last second I stopped and just bent over and cried. Aware that the threat was gone, she told me she knew I didn't have it in me and just left."

John paused and began to wept. He realized Anna's hand was still on his arm which made him more upset. Didn't she understand? He did not deserve her sympathy. John pulled away again.

"Anna, you have to understand. That monster that I was is still inside me. A man who crushes his mother's love. A man who hides from his problems behind a bottle. A man who still feels the rage and anger bubbling underneath. And worst of all, I used physical force against a woman and there is no excuse for that. There are a million reasons why we cannot be together. I will not let you stay with such a monster." John rose and turned his back to Anna, content on leaving her with her broken heart.

"Mr. Bates, wait."

John froze but did not turn around.

"I listened without interruption but now it is my turn to speak. Please sit back down, it is only fair."

John had not expected she would want to talk to him. But she was right, if he was going to pile this all on her, she had the right to tell him to his face how disgusted she was. Reluctantly, he sat back down, he owed her that much. Tears were still welling up in John's eyes. Vera always made him so ashamed of his tears, criticizing his weakness. John shuddered as Anna place her hand on his face and wiped away a tear. She then put her arms around him and he just crashed into her chest. He felt more tears coming and he allowed them to flow onto her. Years of pain and regret were pouring out of him. He should feel infantile, bawling into her body, but he only felt comfort.

"Mr. Bates, people love others not in spite of their flaws but because of their flaws. You are no longer that young man who hates the world." Anna's voice was breaking. It was clear that she was crying too. He felt the tears land on his neck and was anguished by the pain he caused her. "Thank you for sharing this all with me. I'm not going to deny that some of what you told me was shocking. But I am glad you confided in me and do not regret hearing about your past."

After a few minutes, John finally calmed down and sat back up. He saw the sincerity and love in her eyes and felt ashamed. What has he done in his life to deserve the perfect woman? Anna gently cupped his face.

"Mr. Bates, I don't care about your past because I know who you are now. You are sweet, and caring, and strong, and wise, and the best man I know. Have you ever thought that your past has made you a better man today?"

Was she actually commending his weakness? He confessed the worst and she only returned her feelings that much more. How could someone so much younger understand the world better than him?

John wanted to reciprocate her feelings. "Anna, I…" but he paused. He had said things tonight he didn't even realize he felt. And her response was unexpected. "I thank you for tonight. I have never told these things to anyone." Even though she knew everything, shame still filled his heart. He knew she would stay all night with him, out in the cold, comforting him, but that's not what he wanted. "Thank you, but I need some time alone."

Anna just nodded and left. If she was disappointed, she did not show it. John shook his head again. She truly was the most patient and loving person he knew, and yet, he continued to push her away.

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A/N:

I warned you, a bit more serious than the last two. I hope Bates' confession isn't too OOC. I struggled with it a bit. It was a bit wordier and less cryptic than I prefer for Mr. Bates, but I wanted to explain his history.

And when I started this chapter, I wanted them to have their first kiss here, but I feel that Bates is trying to be honorable, yada yada yada, and still trying to figure everything out. He's painfully proper, but waiting makes everything better? And I'm pretty sure their whole relationship is two steps forward, one step back. The kiss will come, soon! 87% sure it will be the next chapter.

All of your reviews make me want to keep writing, but this little thing known as school and homework is getting in the way. I have some ideas for next chapter, like having it from Anna's point of view and a bit happier, so hopefully I can find some time in my engineering life of Laplace transformations and Bernoulli's equations to masquerade as an author.


	4. Chapter 4: The Kiss

A/N: First off, I planned on finishing this yesterday after the episode, but I felt that I need a little time for mourning. And after that episode, Fellowes better Free Bates soon. We all need some happiness.

For this chapter, I changed things up a bit by making it from Anna's point of view and focused on her backstory. I think I will still primarily tell this story from Bates' POV, but Anna's POV may make the occasional appearance.

And as promised, the kiss is here! Hope it did not disappoint and here's to more kisses in the future! Thanks for the reviews!

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_Late September 1914_

Anna sat agitated at the table. Over a week had passed since Thomas's departure, yet she barely talked to Mr. Bates. The few words spoken had been cordial, but he remained distant. He had only brought his work to the table half of the nights and would always excuse himself after a short time. Anna found herself frustrated, but only slightly at Mr. Bates. She knew he had his reasons, but it did not stop her for missing him and wanting to comfort him. No, Anna was frustrated with herself. She wanted to give him space but equally wanted to be with him. She would toss and turn at night trying to decide what to do.

If anyone would have ever told Anna that she would be in love with a married man, she would have thought them crazy. There were still moments when she realized the absurdity of the situation. But she never felt that way when she was with him. Every moment Anna spent with Mr. Bates felt like the most rational thing in the world. She truly felt herself around him and could not imagine life without him. Mr. Bates intrigued Anna the first moment she met him. She never realized why she was always drawn to him those first months until nearly a year later. While she appreciated his companionship, she began to realize it was more than friendship. Anna struggled to understand the feelings, since she had never truly been in love.

Anna had accepted the fact she would not find love years ago. Her entire adult life had been spent in the structured life of servitude. Of course, as a young girl, she thought she would marry just like her classmates planned. After school, the girls would swap their lesson books for books of Austen, the Brontë sisters, Alcott, and so many others. Together, they would fantasize about running away with some dashing lord or being rescued by a handsome soldier. And as the girls pictured the perfect man, the boys became increasingly curious about the fairer sex. More and more of the girls would tell stories about how Gareth had lifted Lily's skirt or how Jane and Henry were caught kissing by the pond. As the stories were told with increasing frequency, Anna began to feel that she was missing out. She dreamed of a million scenarios of how it would happen and how the kiss would forever change her life. The moment would be magical with the man that she loved, and she would be his forever. And then, after months and months of anticipation and jealousy at the other girl's stories, the moment arrived. On the eve of her fourteenth birthday, Jimmy Brown kissed Anna behind the barn. Jimmy had tasted of tobacco and was overly aggressive with his tongue. Instead of magic, the kiss was sloppy, wet, and disappointing. Jimmy did little to promote romanticism but actually made Anna doubt the appeal of intimacy. And before Jimmy had the opportunity to truly redeem the dissatisfaction, Anna was on her way to Downton Abbey as a maid.

As soon as Anna arrived at Downton, she was informed that relationships among servants were greatly discouraged. And the other maids would complain how impossible it was to meet anyone outside the house. Anna found herself utterly exhausted the first few months on her job that she had no trouble forgetting about boys. She struggled with the early mornings and long days and worked tirelessly to make a good impression. Anna did not find think about any male until after the servants' ball her second year. The new footman George had asked her to dance not once, but twice. Finally, Anna found her heart aflutter. George was a model footman, graceful, tall, a gorgeous smile, and perfect hair. He talked so politely and treated her like a real lady. Anna found him very attractive the first moment she saw him and never expected him to take to her. George would elect the seat closest to Anna and always encouraged more conversations. Anna was not use to such blatant attention but found that she was rather flattered. Some of the other maids were jealous since they hoped to catch George's eyes. But Anna did not care, George made her feel special. And for the first time in her life, Anna found herself utterly infatuated and able to understand the allure of romance. Every night, she would imagine George confessing his love, their wedding, leaving Downton together, their kids, and so much more.

After months of carrying on in this manner, Anna began to wonder why nothing more was happening. He still talked to her every day, but he never held her or kissed her like she had pictured. She felt trapped in a fantasy that never was going to happen. It did not help that so many of the maids would pester Anna about their clearly eventual nuptials. Anna finally got up the nerve and asked George if they were together. George frowned and shook his head. He apologized to Anna and explained that he only gave her extra attention because she reminded him of his kid sister. George had meant nothing romantic and considered all of his feelings as brotherly. He hadn't mentioned it before, but he had a sweetheart back home, and he took this job so he would have the money to make a proper proposal.

Anna found herself utterly heartbroken and felt foolish. As she reflected back on their time together, George expressed compassion and warmth, but never anything more. He was fiercely protective of Anna, but not passionate. Thanks to her imagination and the gossip of the other maids, Anna truly thought she was in love. But alas, it was a crush by a naïve girl who was never meant to fall in love. After George, Anna stopped longing for romance and instead turned her efforts to her work. She stopped idly gossiping about men and tried to emulate the work ethic of Mrs. Hughes. At the beginning, Anna felt like she was missing out on something. It was still hard to face George, but eventually, he left to marry his love. But as the years past, she realized she was proud of her work and could make something of herself. She was surprised to be named head housemaid at such a young age, but it proved to her that she was making the right choices. And as Anna reflected on her relationship with George, she realized she never truly was in love, just simply infatuated with the idea of love. Dreams of romance were for teenagers; Anna became a realist and focused on progressing through the ranks as a lady's maid or head housekeeper.

But all that seemed to change once Mr. Bates entered her life. Unlike George, Anna was not dumbstruck by his looks. But yes, Bates was attractive, just not in the traditional sense. She found herself drawn to his calm demeanor, maturity, and even his mysteriousness. She did not pity him or resent him like the rest of the staff, but instead, admired his boldness to persevere through everyone's doubts. And Anna was truly glad he was staying at Downton Abbey, but only because of companionship. She wanted to admire Mr. Bates for their friendship, nothing more.

As time progressed, Anna tried not to think about the way he made her laugh, his smirk, the way his eyes would light up when he saw her, his sly compliments. She had felt the sorrow of unrequited feelings before, and did not want to relive that experience. Her feelings for George began and ended in less than six months. But, with Mr. Bates, her feelings steadily grew over a year. Anna thought she was headed for another road of ruin, until she became sick. Completely unexpectedly, Mr. Bates risked reprimand to bring Anna food and even managed to bring flowers. No one in her life, except her family, would have made such a fuss over her. Even George would have never thought to care for an ailing Anna. Mr. Bates expression and gesture seemed to confirm what Anna swore would never happen again, she had feelings for someone and he may feel the same way back. With George, Anna fought to have her feelings returned, but with Mr. Bates, all of it happened without any effort on her part.

Anna observed her interactions with Mr. Bates very carefully over the next month and realized that she was not imagining anything. He cared deeply for her, and not in the brotherly way. She noticed how he would become flush anytime they accidentally touched, always try to catch her eye, and seek her out throughout the day. Anna actually went out of her way to avoid him, yet he always managed to find her. And how he would work so hard to make her smile or defend her against Thomas and Miss O'Brien. Although Mr. Bates was a secretive man, he shared more with Anna than anyone else. And she felt herself returning the attention and flirting. Anna realized for the first time in her life, she was truly in love with a man, not the idea of love.

Anna decided to act on her feelings once again instead of waiting for permission. Anna's confession to Mr. Bates was not easy and she did not get the answer she expected. He wasn't free, he had been married. But while it was not "I love you," he did not deny his feelings. Anna was not quite ready to throw away her hopes. For almost another year, Anna treaded carefully around the subject of love with Mr. Bates. And while she tried to distance herself, she discovered she could not. Oh the irony of the night he told her to dream of a better man. Almost every night since Anna confessed her love, her dreams had been filled with Mr. Bates. And after that night, the near kiss haunted every sleeping moment. She could almost taste him and feel his lips on her neck. The dreams felt more real than any other fantasy before. She wanted him and knew he wanted her. Oh, Mr. Bates' honor. How she loved him for it, but if only he would falter once and kiss her.

Since the announcement of the war, their relationship was finally progressing forward. Anna knew bits and pieces of his past and always felt there were things he was not telling her. But after Mr. Bates' confessions, all of his hesitance made sense. She knew he struggled with self-loathing, but she never fully understood the extent of his guilt. Hearing some of what Mr. Bates said was extremely difficult for Anna. She struggled to imagine a violent and spiteful man, but she did not doubt his confession. She could barely imagine the hardships of war, addiction, unfaithfulness, anger, and everything else Mr. Bates had described. Anna had always played it safe and lived a sheltered life. The only real pain Anna had experienced was the death of her father, but so many in the world, including Mr. Bates, knew the grief of losing one's parent. Anna could not even consider the misunderstanding with George as real heartache. With so much pain and disappointment, no wonder Mr. Bates tried to push her away. And he truly was a man of honor. He worried endlessly that his actions would hurt Anna. But Anna could never judge him for what he said, rather she felt closer to him than ever before.

And how Mr. Bates was willing to disclose everything and break down in front of her truly made Anna lose control. Any of his past faults meant nothing and she only wanted to make him better. All she could do was hold him as her tears mixed with his. But now, for an entire week, he was avoiding her. Anna worried that if she tried to approach him he would just retreat further into his self-loathing.

Anna had been dwelling at the table for nearly an hour but he did not show up. She was resolved to find him and rescue him from his doubts. Mr. Bates thought he did not deserve Anna, but the truth was Anna needed him as badly as he needed her. She knew where she could find him so she grabbed her sweater and ventured outside.

Anna spotted him almost immediately. He seemed horribly lost in his own thoughts, in his own unworthiness. He did not even notice her until she was almost upon him. But alas, Mr. Bates smiled when he saw her. Even after everything, he could not contain his excitement of being near her. Anna smiled at this reassurance.

"Mr. Bates, I've missed you." Anna started.

Mr. Bates frowned again. Anna had hoped this admission would cheer him up, but she should have known better.

"Neither of us is very good at not missing each other. Not nearly as good as we should be." Mr. Bates replied. Anna hesitated and contemplated leaving him alone. But no, even though he was not physically ill, he was spiritually ill. And just as he took care of her, she was here for him.

"Are you ready to talk yet? I feel I have given you enough space this last week."

Mr. Bates shook his head but finally started, "Anna, don't you see. Everything good in my life has turned bad. I'm a hard man with a hard life, so I don't fear consequences for my happiness. But I am afraid that my actions will hurt you."

"Don't say that. You would never hurt me." Even after Mr. Bates explained how he harmed Vera, Anna knew he would never touch her. The regret of that moment was still so fresh to him and he would never allow himself to lose control in that manner again. And Anna believed their relationship was completely different from his marriage. Vera and Mr. Bates both seemed bent on winning control of their relationship. But no, with her and Mr. Bates, they both would give up everything for the other person.

"I'm not worried about physically hurting you. But I fear our relationship could bring you great hardship. I always manage to sour everything I touch. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even next year. But some day you will regret being with me."

"Shhh, you worry too much. I am a big girl, and I'm willing to risk it all." Anna finally broke the physical barrier and grabbed his hand. Just as his touch made her feel better, she knew she had the same effect on him.

"That's what I feared the most, Anna, you would risk it all for me and lose it all." John sighed deeply. "But you're right, I worry too much. Maybe luck is finally on my side."

"And if not, I will always be on your side." Anna said with great fervor. She truly meant it with her whole heart. John finally broke into a smile. "You promise?" he asked and Anna only nodded her head.

"Well then, I have one more confession," he said, but still maintained the smile on his face.

And at this, he rose with his hand still in Anna's and he placed his other sheepishly on her shoulder. "I've wanted to dance with you for every second of the last week. Will you grant my wish, will you dance with me?"

Anna was completely taken aback by this request but thrilled. She could feel the smile on her face growing twice its normal size. "I would love to."

And slowly, they began swaying to the imaginary music. Mr. Bates seemed unsure of his steps, but it did not matter, she was in his arms. But as Anna kept pace with his movements, he gained confidence and smiled brightly. Mr. Bates removed his hand from her shoulder and placed it on her hip. Her entire body trembled as he drew her closer to him. Their faces were as close as could be without touching. They shared the same breath; everything he exhaled would be inhaled by her immediately. She could almost taste him, yet John hesitated as their noses nearly touched.

"Kiss me already" Anna breathed.

At that point, Mr. Bates lost all of his restraint and finally landed his lips on hers. Initially, Anna was unsure of where to put her hands and how to move her mouth. After all, this was her first proper kiss after a lifetime of wishing for it. She had kissed him a million times in her dreams, but it was so much better than she expected. She soon realized she did not care where her arms went as long as they were around him. And as the kissed continue, Anna thought about how long she wanted this to happen. And before she knew it, Anna broke away and started giggling uncontrollably. She tried to stop but found herself unable to contain her enthusiasm.

"Was it that bad?" Mr. Bates inquired.

"No, it was perfectly wonderful. It's just, I've dreamt of this moment for so long and now it's here and I almost don't believe it." Anna said as she caressed his face. She wanted to restore any confidence her giggles may have caused to falter.

And with that, Mr. Bates responded with a second kiss, even more passionate than the first. The wait was over.


	5. Chapter 5: The Perfect Gift

_Mid December 1914_

John sat down at the servants' table after luncheon. Anna had just left his side but he lingered for a few more minutes. It was his afternoon off so he spent a few moments in silence. Nearly three months had passed since their first and only kiss, but he always awoke with the thought of Anna's lips on his. He wished he could repeat the action, but has been unable to find the right opportunity. They would never dare embrace in the house. Even in the courtyard was risky, but going outside together now was nearly impossible with the freezing temperatures. John had mentioned caution to Anna after their dance. Occasionally, he would risk holding her hand, touching her shoulder, or even pressing his lips to her forehead, but he had not truly kissed her since that night. Anna was extremely patient with John. She seemed to understand that John was holding back not because of lack of desire but because of need for propriety.

John prided himself that their connection has gone undetected by the rest of the house. From the outside, it would seem that nothing had changed between John and Anna. They still spent hours in each other's company, but nothing suggested more than friendship. Or at least, he assumed no one else noticed because he had heard nothing from the younger servants or words of caution from Mr. Carson. As John rose from the table, he realized why no one thought anything. No one expected someone as beautiful and kind as Anna to be interested in a man like him. He could take this as an insult, but instead, was grateful because their ignorance allowed him to spend as much time with Anna as their schedules allowed.

Slowly, John walked out on the grounds. He could only smile because he was getting the perfect Christmas gift for Anna. He had contemplated this decision for the last few weeks. John had considered many gifts and even spent his last afternoon off in search for one. He struggled because he wanted something that would express all the feelings he dared not say and all the actions he dared not take. As John made his way, he thought about his efforts of the last week.

On his last afternoon off, John started his search at the jewelers. Most women enjoyed jewelry so it seemed a logical place to start. He considered buying her a simple pendant or necklace. Even though Anna would appreciate the gesture, as John looked at all the pieces, he could only think of his wife. Vera always goaded John for expensive presents to express his love even though they did not have the means to afford them. For their first Christmas, John scrounged up his wages to buy Vera a beautiful gold chain, but she was offended that there was no charm with it. John had planned on buying her a jewel for her birthday, but after that reaction, he got her a simple tea kettle instead. No, John was not going to buy Anna jewelry. Anna was the most beautiful woman already so she did not need to adorn herself with anything else.

The same thought crossed his mind about perfume. He enjoyed Anna's scent as is and he did not want her to cover that up. Anyways, he was not even sure if maids were allowed to wear perfume. John ventured to a women's clothing store after the jewelers. He spent nearly two hours browsing but was only able to find things to not buy Anna. He contemplated getting her anything from a scarf, a hat, gloves, or even a ribbon for her hair. The majority of Anna's wardrobe came from the girls' used clothes. And while Anna never complained about their condition, John would love to surprise her with something new. But the more John walked around the store, the more he realized he was out of his element. He knew nothing about women's fashion. It was very easy to admire a hat while Anna was wearing it, but nearly impossible to pick up something for her off a shelf. Additionally, John did not know what size Anna would wear. His luck, he would buy something too big, or too small, and definitely the wrong color. John desperately wanted to spoil Anna, but he felt unprepared to make the right choice.

Regretfully, John hobbled back to the house defeated. He was able to vividly picture how excited Anna would be by his gift, how her eyes would light up and her smile cover her entire face. But John could not figure out what would elicit that response. He had one more afternoon off before Christmas so he had to decide by then. John feared the next week would wield the same result, but luckily inspiration struck that night.

As Anna joined John at the table that night, he opened up Pride and Prejudice and began where they had left off. Every so often, John and Anna would spend their nights in this manner, reading together. Some nights, Anna would read aloud, but John usually would be the narrator. From time to time, others would stay around and listen to John's or Anna's voices as they spoke the words. But most of the time, it was only John and Anna. The younger staff preferred to spend their time gossiping or playing games while the senior staff was too busy or had other means of relaxation. At first, John would read from his own collection: Joyce, Proust, Wilde, Sinclair. But lately, Anna had been requesting him to read excerpts from her books. John found himself reading more and more Shakespeare and Austen, but he did not mind. Anna would always listen intently, especially when he read her favorite passages. He found he appreciated the stories more since Anna loved them.

John enjoyed reading, but he would often ask Anna to take a turn. The last few weeks, Anna had seemed more reluctant when John asked. From past experience, Anna clearly did not mind reading in front of him and he had even complemented her narration many times. On this night, John finally decided to question her reluctancy and was surprised by her answer.

As he asked, Anna's cheeks and ears turned scarlet. Finally, she mumbled, "It's a very foolish reason, Mr. Bates, you will laugh."

John replied, "On my honor, I will not laugh. And if I do, you can give me a slap."

"That doesn't sound like much of a punishment, but okay, I've warned you. It's just… whenever I am in bed, rereading passages you have read, I hear your voice in my head speaking the words." She blushed. "It's silly, but I'm able to bring you with me anywhere I go. It's a comfort and it cheers me up." Anna paused as if waiting for him to laugh.

After hearing her response, he was very glad it was only the two of them this evening. The idea of Anna thinking about him in bed was almost too much to handle. She was nearly all he could think about when he was alone in his room. And while Anna did not insinuate that she thought of anything more than his voice, John was sure she imagined him being with her. Even with the restraints of the household, they had both figured out a way to be with the other, in some sense, every night.

"Anna, that's not foolish at all. That's why I want to hear you read. So I can take you with me." He handed her the book. She seemed thrilled by John's response. And that's when John realized he must get her another book for her collection.

John had considered a book before but thought it would not be special enough. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized it was the perfect idea. Anna's confession showed John how much she loved their time together.

Over the next week, John hoped that settling on a book would help ease his anxiety, but now he had to decide which book to get. He was very familiar with the literary works Anna owned so he hoped to bolster her existing collection. He considered buying her a novel, but she already owned many of her favorites. John always enjoyed reciting poetry to Anna so decided to narrow his choices down to verse. For a while, he thought about giving her the sonnets of Shakespeare or Petrarch. But somehow, he felt selfish buying her a book devoted to love when he refused to say the words on his own accord. John never felt this way when he read a love poem from a book she already owned. It would different if he was gifting her those words, as if he was confessing them himself. John would confess it all in a heartbeat, if he was not still married.

John resigned himself to the fact that he had to spend hours in the bookstore until he found the perfect book. And that was John's plan until the night before his last afternoon off before Christmas.

As the servants waited for their dinner, William began to play Christmas carols on the piano. Soon, nearly everyone joined in, except John and Miss O'Brien. John liked the music enough, but his attention again was on Anna. She loved the holiday festivities and her enthusiasm was contagious. In the first time for a long time, John was actually looking for to Christmas. As a boy, he had always looked forward to the day, but mainly for the presents. After his first Christmas with Vera, John began to lose all joy from the holiday. His gifts were always inadequate and he apparently did not dote on her enough. The holiday became less about spending it with those you love and more as an unfortunate chore he had to complete.

But with Anna, Christmas became real to him. Last year was his first Christmas at Downton and he had no idea what to expect. John and Anna's closeness was still in the beginning stages, but he could tell she loved the season. Anna explained to him that while she loved the snow, decorations, parties, and everything else associated with the holiday, she loved Christmas simply for the spirit. She told stories from her childhood how her parents would always manage to surprise her even years when money was scarce. And how everyone just seemed to be nicer and warmer during this time of the year. To Anna, Christmas embodied hope, compassion, and innocence. Anna even mentioned to John how she did not even mind her parents only had sent her cards instead of presents the last few years. The gifts did not make the holiday, the people did. John chuckled now at that memory because he vowed to himself that he would get her a gift the next Christmas and that time had now arrived.

Anna caught John staring at her but only smiled more. "C'mon Mr. Bates, do you not sing carols?"

"I will for you." He whispered, "But normally, I only sing the body electric." He had expected Anna to understand the reference, but she only looked at him confusedly.

As he was about to explain it was Whitman, Mr. Carson walked into the room and all singing stopped. Anna did not inquire anything further after the interruption. Normally, John would have explained it to her, but then he realized that _The Leaves of Grass_ would be perfect. John had always enjoyed Whitman and had borrowed his lordship's copy once before, but did not own it himself. And he would love to expose Anna to some new poetry. He racked his brain to remember the contents of all the poems. Although he could not remember all of them, he did remember a few lewd lines. John's ears burned as he thought about reading one of the racier poems in the collection to Anna. He would have to skip those, but the overall book seemed right. He liked the idea of something completely new to her so that the only voice she heard while reading it was his. John was not going to talk himself out of another book or else he would never buy her anything.

John had finally made it to the bookstore. But unlike his last trip to town, he knew he would be successfully returning with a present. John found a beautiful leather-bound edition with _Leaves of Grass_ written neatly on the cover in gold. There was a plainer copy next to it, but John did not paying double the price for the nicer edition. As he held the book in his hand, he knew he made the right decision. John could only smile triumphantly as he walked back to Downton, whistling Christmas carols the entire time.

Once he was in his room, John stared at the inside cover for nearly twenty minutes. He held the pen rigid as he thought about what to write. Finally, he put the tip on the page and wrote "To My Dearest Anna." John reconsidered the dearest immediately, but it was too late now. The words were written and he would never cross them out. But since John wrote that, he realized he could not sign his name. He wanted Anna seeing a "Yours, John" at the bottom of the page, but he worried that someone else may find his name in her book. Last Christmas, he did not see any of the staff exchange presents with each other. The only gift he had received was a new pocket watch from his Lordship. Even though everyone in the house knew John and Anna were close, he did not want them to know he gave her a gift. He decided he would find a time to catch her alone to give her the book. And so, he did not sign the book to her. Anna would never forget that it was a gift from John. John kissed the cover of the book, for his Anna, and gently wrapped it in brown paper. He place the present into his top drawer and left the room. He found himself counting down the days to Christmas, the days until he could surprise Anna.

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A/N:

So I struggled for a while with book John would give Anna and I remembered reading some of_ Leaves of Grass_ in high school. I finished writing this and then went to look up _Leaves of Grass_ and it was a bit more risqué than I remembered. I don't think a man would be able to read some of those poems to an unmarried woman in the 1910s. For the sake of the story, it was a censored, PG, version of _Leaves of Grass_. I researched other books that could have been given around that time, but I really liked the Christmas carol moment and transition to a book idea. So sorry, I took a little literary freedom, but it should not affect the overall story. John will not be reading "Oh Hymen! O Hymenee!" or "A Woman Waits for Me" to Anna.

Thanks for reading and reviewing!


	6. Chapter 6: Servants' Ball

_Late December 1914_

Christmas has come and gone, and yet Anna's gift still remained in John's top drawer. John had hoped to find a time when he and Anna were alone, but this goal proved impossible, every moment spoiled somehow. The nearest John got was the night after Christmas. The servant hall was nearly vacant, but John, Anna, Miss O'Brien and two hall boys remained. John had planned on waiting everyone out and it nearly worked as O'Brien left. But just as John left to grab the gift from his room, Mr. Carson ordered everyone in the hall to bed. John considered telling Anna he had something for her, but he remained silent, hoping to surprise her. John did not want Anna to think he forgot about her, but the further they got from Christmas, the more anxious he became. He believed Anna would love the book, but small doubts crept into his mind as past Christmas's with Vera crept into his mind.

Five days had passed since Christmas and John was no closer to giving Anna the gift. The servants' ball was set for that evening and John prepared in silence. His Lordship dressed quickly so John had a little extra time before the start of the evening. John was not a vain man, but he found himself rechecking himself again and again in the mirror. As he caught his eye in the glass, he managed a grin because all of this fuss was for Anna. After John heard the other male servants outside his door rustling towards downstairs, he grabbed his cane and followed them down.

The music and dancing have yet to start, but most of the servants were in the room. John scanned the crowd for Anna, but she was most likely still tending to the girls. John sat quietly at one of the tables, but moments later, was back on his feet. All of the servants stood to attention as the family descended the stairs, Lord and Lady Grantham followed by their three daughters. The servants all clapped and cheered for the family, yet John caught sight of Anna as she followed the girls down. She floated down the stair and he felt his heart race as he watched her. Anna caught John staring and immediately blushed, and all John wanted to do was hold her. But no, he mustn't.

Lord Grantham opened the evening with a few words of appreciation to the staff and a moment of reflection for all the soldiers scattered across Europe. John noted how Anna's eyes immediately filled with concerned as she looked towards Lady Mary. John turned his attention to the young lady and noticed how ashen her face was. John knew the reason. Matthew Crawley had left nearly a month ago for training and was to be sent to France after the New Year. Anna had confided in John how she had caught Lady Mary crying after the announcement. John was not a praying man, but he hoped dearly that Matthew would return home in one piece. John knew even his Lordship was worried about Matthew, not just because he was the heir, but because he loved the man as a son. Before John was able to get any further lost in his thoughts, he realized the music had started so he took the opportunity to return to his seat.

As the Lordship's valet, John was supposed to dance with the dowager, but that tradition was suspended the previous year. He did not object at the time due to his less than stellar dance skills. But John wished he could go back in time and change his decision. But alas, he once again had to sit out all the dances, but this year, he did not want to. He wanted to be able to get out in front of everyone, and dance with Anna. John would have had to dance with the dowager, possibly one of the daughters, and of course some other servants, but it would have been worth. He would be willing to spend the whole night dancing with Miss O'Brien if he would be able to have just one dance with Anna in front of everyone with no backlash or consequences. But no, John was resigned to sit and watch as William, a gardener, and even his Lordship danced with his Anna. John's main focus was to not spend the night gawking at Anna, but he had to constantly remind himself to look somewhere else. As John scanned the room, he realized nearly everyone was there, which meant the servants' hall was empty. After days of failed effort, he finally had the chance to get Anna alone. John only had to get Anna's attention as she was in the middle on conversation with Lady Sybil.

As John stood, Anna's eyes turned to him immediately. It appears he was not the only person keeping tabs on someone that night. John nodded his head towards the refreshments' table and gave a slight wink. He doubted anyone else noticed the exchange, but Anna nodded slightly in return, signifying that she understood. John slowly walked towards the drinks as he waited for Anna to excuse herself. The perfect opportunity came up as Branson asked Lady Sybil for the next dance.

Anna took a place next to John and joked, "Is that your way of asking me to dance?"

John replied, "No, you know how I like to dance." Anna's face burned red clearly thinking about their kiss. John continued, "I wanted to get your attention. Can you meet me downstairs in the servants' hall in about 10 minutes? I have a surprise."

Anna nodded, "I'll meet you down there."

And with that, John returned to the outskirts of the room. He double checked to see if anyone was looking, and then left for his room. He grabbed the book and made his way to the servants' hall. Normally, the amount of steps in such a short period would bother his knee, but all John noticed was the thumping in his chest. He could not tell if it was nerves or excitement, but it nearly caused him to fall down the stairs. John regained his composure as he reached the servants' hall. Anna was not there yet so he sat in his usual seat, waiting. He decided to hide the present on the seat next to him, wanting to bring it out at the most opportune moment. John was beginning to wonder if someone stopped Anna before she was able to escape when he heard her sweet footsteps.

John stood to attention just before she entered. "Good evening, milady." He teased as he even slightly bowed.

"Oh shush, clearly I am no lady, I'm sneaking off to meet a man, alone, with no idea of his intentions." Anna replied.

"Only honorable, as always. I must confess I have been trying to get you alone for a while, but especially this week." Anna's eyebrows raised as John said this.

John chuckled at her reaction, "Well, at least since Christmas, you don't think I forgot about you, have you?" John took the opportunity to bend down and grab the present.

"It's not very much, but I wanted to get you something." And John handed the present to Anna. She hesitated initially but finally reached for it. Her hand brushed against John's ever so slightly as she grabbed it, and yet, John felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise.

"Mr. Bates, you did… I mean, you shouldn't have. I didn't get you anything." Anna just stared at the gift in her hand. "No one has ever done anything like this. Even my parents only sent me a card this year. I don't know how to thank you"

"Anna, it's nothing. And please open it before you sing praises. It's truly nothing."

Anna sat down with the gift and began to open it. She remained silent the entire time as the paper was removed. John took the opportunity to pull the chair out and sit next to her. He tried hard to read her expression but he could have sworn there were tears in her eyes. Finally, she looked up at him and smiled. She briskly brought her lips to his cheek.

John's hand immediately touched where her lips were. "So you like it?"

"I love it." She whispered. Anna opened the cover and lightly traced her fingers over "My Dearest Anna."

A tear gently slid from Anna's eyes. John cupped her face and wiped the tear with her thumb. They had never dared such closeness inside the house, but everything felt right.

John leaned in to kiss Anna but suddenly heard giggling coming from the hallway. He quickly put as much space between them as possible, but he feared it might be too late. One of the stable boys burst into the hall with Rose, a junior housemaid.

"Oye, where do you two think you are going?" Anna stood and confronted the young servants. Both instantly turned bright red and refused to speak. John was relieved that the young couple was overly concerned about being caught themselves that they did not even question the intimate situation they happened upon.

"Any reason you aren't up with everyone else?" Anna asked. Rose managed to shake her head slowly.

"Well, I won't tell Mrs. Hughes this time, I'm sure you both just got caught up in the festivities. But I hope I won't regret that decision." And with that the stable boy bid farewell and left rather quickly.

Rose lingered around for another moment. "Anna, I'm sorry. Thank you so much for keeping it secret."

Anna looked at Rose intently for a minute. "No need to keep it secret because there's nothing to be told. But Rose, I expected better from you. You need to make sure you are careful. Now, go back upstairs and enjoy the fun." John squirmed uncomfortably as Anna lectured Rose. Anna was expected to be an example for the younger staff, yet he was leading her down a path of ruin.

Rose smiled tentatively and headed back upstairs. As soon as Rose was out of sight, Anna spoke, "I feel like such a hypocrite. But at that age, they just need someone looking out for them. What they had planned is way different from what we are." Anna said the last part more for herself than for John.

"Yes, we are older and wiser. And way better at control and discretion." John laughed considering they were nearly caught.

"Mr. Bates, we are as foolish as them, aren't we? I thought we were supposed to be careful inside the house. We were nearly caught. And why is that funny?"

John hadn't even realized he was still laughing. "Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh. When you were lecturing Rose, you sounded exactly like Mrs. Hughes. I could imagine you being housekeeper so vividly. That is, unless I continue on in this manner and we get caught. And thinking about you as a housekeeper, I would have to call Mrs. Smith, or even if you are promoted to a lady's maid, I must call you Smith. All I can think is I'll always prefer calling you Anna." John grabbed Anna's hand. "My dearest Anna." No matter what position Anna held, she will always have to call her Mr. Bates. He wanted to beg her to call him John, even just in private, but he knew he could make no such request.

Anna reached for _Leaves of Grass_ with her free hand and squeezed John's with the other. "Mr. Bates, I am truly grateful for the book. I don't know how I'd ever repay you."

John lightly kissed Anna's hand. "I'm sure you'll find a way. But alas, I fear we have been gone for too long. We must be getting back or Mrs. Hughes may come looking for us."

Anna sighed. "You're right. I'll store this book upstairs and meet you back at the ball. Thank you again"

And with that, Anna scampered off upstairs. John smiled and he was so glad she liked _Leaves of Grass_. He could not wait until he would be able to recite the poetry to her. He threw the paper wrapping in the rubbish, hiding all evidence, and walked upstairs. As John ascended the staircase, he found himself looking forward to his next Christmas with Anna.


	7. Chapter 7: Weddings and Goodbyes

Late February 1915

Anna sat beside Mr. Bates at breakfast. Everyone was chatting away merrily while Mr. Carson flipped through the post. He started distributing the letters to the staff, handing one to Mr. Bates, to Miss O'Brien, and to many of the other servants. Anna was not expecting anything because her mother sent her a letter the previous week, and Anna had yet to respond. Therefore, Anna was quite surprised with Mr. Carson handed her an envelope. Anna recognized the writing as Gwen's and smiled. It had been months since Anna had heard from her old roommate. Anna knew she was as responsible as Gwen was for neglecting the correspondence, but she was glad Gwen wrote again.

Anna opened the envelope and barely got through the first few sentences when she let out an excited squeal.

"My word, Anna, are you alright?" Mrs. Hughes asked. She had spilt her morning tea all over the table.

Anna looked up in embarrassment, realizing everyone was now looking at her.

"I'm so sorry. It's just, Gwen is to be married." Anna explained.

"Well, that is good news, I'd say, but please contain your enthusiasm a little better in the future. You gave me quite a fright." Mrs. Hughes replied.

By this time, Daisy had arrived with a towel and sopped up the spill in front of Mrs. Hughes.

"Gwen's gettin' married? That's so excitin'." Daisy shrieked.

"Exciting? Quite quick if you ask me. Maybe she had to get married." Miss O'Brien snarled.

"Not that quick, she's been gone for half of a year already. And when you love someone, you just know, time is irrelevant." Anna replied. She hated that Miss O'Brien had to put a dark cloud on a happy occasion. Ever since the war was announced, Miss O'Brien had been kinder, or at the very least, less mean. Anna especially noticed the change after Thomas left. Miss O'Brien seemed content on leaving the others alone and on simply caring for her ladyship. She heard no complaints from the lady's maid when Lady Grantham would ring for her or ask for a special request which was quite different from before. Anna had attributed this surprising change to the war and to Thomas's absence.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't know _you_ were an expert in love." Miss O'Brien responded coolly to Anna. Yes, a snide remark, that was more what she expected from Miss O'Brien. Evidently, Miss O'Brien did not have a total change of heart.

"Last time I checked, neither were you Miss O'Brien." Mr. Bates chimed in. Anna was more than able to handle Miss O'Brien's wit, but she smiled as Mr. Bates defended her against the woman. It was nice simply knowing he was looking out for her. Mr. Bates and Anna had become quite a team at fighting fire with fire against Thomas and Miss O'Brien. While neither had the need to look out for each other in the recent months, Anna still appreciated the fact that Mr. Bates defended her.

"Okay, okay. That's more than enough from everyone. Please get started with you day." Mr. Carson told the servants.

Anna placed the letter in the pocket and disembarked for upstairs.

* * *

Later that evening, Anna found Mr. Bates alone in the servants a hall. Mr. Bates was set to leave for London in the morning with Lord Grantham and had to mend one of his lordship's military uniforms before he left. Anna set down a pair of Lady Edith's shoes in front of her that were in need of repair as she took her seat next to Mr. Bates. She had the opportunity to finish reading Gwen's letter after tea. She was glad it was only her and Mr. Bates tonight because she wanted to fill him in on the rest of the letter, but more importantly, spend some time with him before he left.

"Don't tell Miss O'Brien, but I was surprised that Gwen is already getting married. His name is Christopher Harris and he worked at the telephone company. She mentioned him a bit before, but she never let on that it was that serious until now. But then again, I haven't heard anything from her since November."

"Maybe she didn't want to get too ahead of herself. Writing it down and telling friends could fill you up with false hope. Aren't women usually supposed to act coy when it comes to a potential suitor?

"Yes, I've never been very good at following those rules, but you should realize that by now."

"And I wouldn't want it any other way. Did she say when the wedding is?"

"That's just it, it's so soon. The wedding will be the beginning of next month. He wanted to enlist soon so they wanted everything settled before he left. I wish I could go, but she's having it back in Scotland so all of her family could attend."

"I bet they would appreciate that with the numbers of siblings she has." Mr. Bates answered. Anna knew Gwen had only shared a little bit of her life with Mr. Bates, but he is the kind of man to remember small details about people. He still surprised her when he would ask about her mother's birthday or if her brother discovered the cause of his rash. There were days he seemed to know what's going on in her life better than she did.

"Gwen will make the most beautiful bride." Anna said as she pictured one of her closest friends in all white.

"Indeed, she will." Mr. Bates said as if he was holding back some additional response.

"I should visit Gwen when she gets back. It's been far too long and I'm sure she'll have pictures so it'll feel like I was there."

This was the first time Anna and Mr. Bates ever discussed a wedding with each other. At first, Anna thought nothing about sharing her excitement with him, but with each response, Mr. Bates seemed more and more tentative.

"Aye," Mr. Bates managed to say, but Anna noticed a distance in his eyes.

They have been friends for over two year now and some days, Anna still had no idea what was going inside his head. He had opened up more recently, which was helping her to slowly put the pieces together. But tonight, Anna felt as if she could read Mr. Bates' mind. With some certainty, Anna sensed Mr. Bates was torturing himself because he cannot offer Anna a wedding or a life as husband and wife. Anna could read the insecurity and pain in his eyes. How could she be so foolish and babble on and on about the wedding? Of course, he would think she would want a wedding with him. And he would hate himself all the more because he couldn't grant her wish.

Anna did not want to admit it herself, but there were times she imagined what it would be like if there was no Vera, if Mr. Bates were free to marry her. She never pictured some grand wedding that the Crawley daughters would expect, but instead, a simple ceremony with those closest to her. Anna's stomach turned even as she pictured herself walking down the aisle with Mr. Bates waiting for her at the altar. Maybe, someday, Mr. Bates will be her husband, but putting too much hope in that scenario could be dangerous. Anna's mother told her never to dwell on the things that you cannot change. She tried her best to focus on the love they share now, not the life they cannot have.

Anna freely talked to Mr. Bates about nearly everything, but she never dared mention her hopes for marriage. She knew the guilt would eat him up. No, even saying something reassuring him that she doesn't need to be married to love him would cause distress. Anna figured the best path forward was to change the subject.

"So was the letter from your mother?" Anna asked.

"Yes, it was. She asked how you were doing and wanted me to pass on her best to you." A bit of happiness returned to Mr. Bates' eyes. He seemed delighted his mother approved of their relationship.

"Oh, you still talk to your mother about me?" Anna felt a bit embarrassed but satisfied. It was nice to know his mother was interested in her and that Mr. Bates talked about her to his mother.

Mr. Bates let out a small laugh, "I was being a bit modest before, she seemed more concerned about your life, than my own."

"Maybe I could write her sometime," Anna offered. Anna had initially sent Mrs. Bates' a simple letter thanking for her hospitality while she was in London. But Anna did not dare continue the correspondence. She already overstepped boundaries by seeking his mother out, and she did not want to continue her impropriety.

"She would love that and so would I." Mr. Bates let out.

"Are you going to see her while you are in London?" Anna tried to sound cheerful to mask her sadness. Anna knew he would only be gone a few days and Mr. Bates has had trips with his lordship in the past. Yet, Anna knew she would miss him.

Anna assumed Mr. Bates would be happy at the prospect of seeing his mother, but she noticed his hunched shoulders.

"Yes, but there's been a change of plans," Mr. Bates said forlornly. "His lordship informed me that we will be gone for longer than a few days."

"How much longer?" Anna asked almost desperately. The idea of a few days bothered her, and she dared to think how long he could be gone.

"He didn't say exactly, but it sounds like weeks, maybe a month. He asked Carson to have the house opened in London. He was talking through some of his meetings. Most are this week or next, but he talked about an engagement he has with Lord Merton in the beginning of the March. I get a sense Lord Grantham wants to feel more involved in the war effort and there will be more opportunities in London."

Anna wasn't sure how to respond. Men have left their wives, fighting countries away and she was upset that he would be gone for a month. And as Anna looked at John, she could tell he wasn't any happier about the prospect. Anna decided that they could either spend the night wallowing in their disappointment or enjoy the time they had together.

"Well, then you better visit your mother tons," Anna said with a smile, trying to lighten the mood.

With that, Anna grabbed her sweater and announced, "I think I am going to go to the courtyard."

She wordlessly expressed that he was to follow. He seemed to get the message as he put his needle and thread down.

The servants' hall had been chilly, but as Anna opened the door, she felt the bite of the wind and almost had second thoughts. But no, he was leaving for a month, so she needed one more memory to get through the separation. She heard Mr. Bates follow behind her with his cane tapping harshly against the stones. She knew the cold air wouldn't be good for his leg, but she hoped she had a small remedy for the pain.

As Anna turned around, she brought her hands up to her mouth and blew into them, trying to return some feeling to her fingers. Mr. Bates was watching her as his breath fogged around him.

"It's freezing out here. Are you trying to get me sick so I won't be able to leave?" Mr. Bates finally asked.

"No, no. It's just, I wanted to give you something before you go, and it couldn't be in the house." Anna walked back towards Mr. Bates, whose arms were already open to receive her.

Anna snuggled up in his warmth, and stood on her tip toes to reach his ear, when she finally breathed "One kiss to take with you."

Mr. Bates lowered to reach her lips and chastely, yet satisfactory kiss her. It had been far too long since the night they had their first kiss.

Mr. Bates brought Anna closer to him. She laid her head on his chest, taking in his scent, realizing how much she would miss him. She heard his heart beating rapidly through the layers of clothes and knew her own heart was racing. Mr. Bates ran his hands up and down Anna's back and arms, clearly trying to keep her warm. But with Mr. Bates strong arms around her, her body felt like it was on fire. Anna looked back up at him longingly and he seemed to get the message. Mr. Bates lightly lifted up her chin, bent down, and kissed her again.

This kiss was more passionate than the first. Anna parted her lips slightly and Mr. Bates' tongue gently entered her mouth. Anna's hands clapsed around his neck as she gently stroke where his hair met skin. Mr. Bates' hands were around her waist, puller her close to him. Anna entwined her own tongue with his and became more adventurous as it explored his mouth. Mr. Bates softly moaned with delight. Time seem to stand still as Mr. Bates filled all of Anna's thoughts. Minutes later, they finally broke apart, yet all they could do was smile.

"It seems I may have to leave more often." Mr. Bates finally said with a cheeky grin.

"You better not or no more secret meetings in the courtyard." Anna responded as she playfully swatted his chest.

Mr. Bates gently kissed Anna's lips once last time and she knew she would never be able to resist him, no matter what threats she made.

"We should get inside before we both catch a cold." Mr. Bates said as he placed his hand on the small of her back to guide her back inside. Anna immediately shivered, not sure if it was from the frigid weather or the intimate contact. Mr. Bates did not remove his hand until he opened the door for her.

Once they were back in the relative warmth of the servants' hall, Mr. Bates sat back down to work on the uniform. Anna grabbed the mended heels, but stayed to watch him work for a minute, engraining his features in her memory. Mr. Bates seemed completely unfazed that she was watching him intently. His nimble fingers continued to stitch perfectly, yet Anna noticed a smile on his lips.

Finally, Anna realized it was time to say goodbye, "I'm going to miss your horribly."

Mr. Bates looked up from his work, "And I will miss you. But maybe if we both keep busy, the time will go by fast. And I promise to write."

Anna smiled weakly, "Goodnight Mr. Bates and goodbye."

Mr. Bates responded "Goodnight, dearest Anna." He mustered Anna's favorite smile, the smile that made even his eyes crinkle. Anna dreaded the thought of a month without seeing that smile.


	8. Chapter 8: Men in Uniform

_Early April 1915_

John was reading his newspaper at the table while Anna was busy sewing next to him. He had missed sharing his evenings with Anna while in London, but they had spent every night together since he had returned a fortnight ago. His time in London passed quickly enough, filled with service to his lordship, visits to his mother and lawyer, and letters back and forth with Anna. But saying he was glad to be back at Downton and with Anna was an understatement.

John noticed Anna's attention was out in the hallway so he glanced slightly over his paper and saw Mrs. Hughes talking to some of the younger housemaids. Mrs. Hughes finally dismissed the housemaids who left rather excitedly. The housekeeper then entered the hall.

"Excuse me, Anna, but I have a favor to ask," Mrs. Hughes said.

"Sure, Mrs. Hughes, let me know what you need." Anna replied sweetly. Even if she had a full workload, Anna would find time to assist those nearest to her. John loved that she said yes even before she knew what the favor was.

"Well, apparently there's a luncheon in town tomorrow for the local battalion. It appears some of the soldiers invited Rose, Katherine, and May to accompany them. Normally, I wouldn't approve of such fraternization for the younger housemaids, but those lads are going off to war so I told them to go, but only if they had a chaperone. Would you be able to go with them tomorrow and keep an eye on them?"

"Of course, Mrs. Hughes, I can chaperone them and hopefully keep them out of trouble." Anna replied.

"Thank you, Anna, I greatly appreciate your help." Mrs. Hughes replied graciously.

"Mrs. Hughes, if you would like, I can accompany Anna. It may help to have a man along to keep the soldiers in line and another set of eyes couldn't hurt." John offered. He tried to mask how desperately he wanted to spend some time outside of the house with Anna. The flower show had been cancelled this year due to the war and so many other traveling shows and fairs had disbanded as well. Yes, there was time each Sunday to walk to and from Church together, but they were usually surrounded by others and the time always passed too quickly. John simply longed for a substantial time with Anna outside of Downton.

"Oh no, Mr. Bates, I could never ask you to go." Mrs. Hughes responded.

"It's really no problem. His lordship was invited to the luncheon as well so he'll be there all day. I already have his uniform pressed and his mending complete so I'll have a bit of time tomorrow. I have no problem helping Anna chaperone." John insisted.

"Well, Mr. Bates, if you are willing, two sets of eyes would put my mind more at ease. Thank you both." Mrs. Hughes smiled and left the servants' hall.

Once Mrs. Hughes was out of earshot, Anna's hand found John's under the table. She teased, "You silly beggar, you just want to keep an eye on me around those soldiers. Don't trust me around men in uniforms?"

John let out a deep, hearty laugh. He continued for several seconds before he regained his composure. One of the hall boys looked into the servants' hall because of the commotion, but once he saw it was only John and Anna, he left. John replied quietly, "Well, I am a man in uniform and you can't seem keep your hands off me." He squeezed her hand under the table and Anna turned scarlet.

John continued, "I just thought you would be happy with the prospect of spending some time with me outside of the house. But, if you want some alone time with the soldiers, I'll go tell Mrs. Hughes I reconsidered."

"No, no, don't do that. Quite an ingenious suggestion to get us both out of the house. But we do need to keep our eyes on the girls some of the time, or Mrs. Hughes will have both of our heads," replied Anna.

* * *

The following day after the morning chores, John escorted Anna and the younger housemaids towards the path to town. The air was finally warm enough for Anna to wear the blue dress she was altering in the hall so many months ago. She had a light petticoat on her shoulders. John had guessed right, she was beautiful in the dress, but John was bias; he would find Anna beautiful in anything.

A natural divide occurred as the younger housemaids eagerly walked ahead and Anna stayed behind with John. The young girls were chattering and giggling about the prospects of their day, completely oblivious to anything else around them. Above them, the sky was clear yet John noticed clouds gathering in the distance.

"Isn't May's brother in the battalion? Is that how they were invited?" John asked. He had been trying to put the pieces together in his head. John was sometimes grateful that it was so difficult for the female staff to meet men outside of the house.

"Yes, Rose and Katherine have been begging May to make the introductions to all of her brother's comrades. So the last few weeks, at church or in town, May has orchestrated the introductions. They were quite ecstatic to be invited today, but were afraid Mrs. Hughes wouldn't let them go. They actually asked me to ask her, but I thought it would be best coming from them. They have been talking about the lunch all morning. By this time tomorrow, they may all have wartime sweethearts. Actually, the way they're talking, several sweethearts."

"If you're lucky, you may find yourself a sweetheart as well. Women find it hard to resist a soldier. And you deserve a nice lad," John said to Anna. Part of him was teasing, but part of him was testing the waters. For Anna's sake, it would be easier if she found someone else. As much as he dreaded the thought, she deserved someone who could give her everything. Anna hated when John talked this way, but he wanted her to keep her options open. Even after all of their progress, he hated the idea that she was throwing her future away for him.

While in London, John had contacted his lawyer, Mr. Cromwell, about the divorce process. John had been optimistic that abandonment would be just cause for divorce, but Mr. Cromwell informed him it wasn't the case. John would have to first find Vera and also find proof of her infidelities. Until then, Mr. Cromwell could be of no more assistance. John hadn't seen or heard from his wife in over five years but was optimistic she was still in London. He started searching around their former residence, talking with old neighbors and acquaintances, but no one had heard from her in years, or at least, that's what they told him. John tried to contact Vera's closest friend, Mrs. Bartlett, but she refused to talk to him at all. He had a feeling she knew something but he had no power to force her to talk. After three afternoons of fruitless searching, John resigned himself to the fact that Vera had left London, but had no idea to where. He wished he could just find the horrible woman and be done with her, but until then, he was being unfair to Anna. Of course, John hadn't mentioned his search for Vera because he did not want to get her hopes up. Nothing could be crueler than giving Anna false hope about their future and taking it all away.

"Mr. Bates, you are not having second thoughts about us, are you? I thought we were past this," Anna said, clearly aggravated. She had read him like an open book, realizing he was trying to set her free.

Today was supposed to be a nice day together outside of the house, but of course, John was ruining the day. Why did he have to bring things up? Why couldn't he just let things be? He felt guilty and hopeless about the Vera situation and was letting it bother him. "Just know that if one day you wake up and realize that you've made a mistake with all of this, I'd understand and there'll be no hard feelings." John replied.

"That's never going to happen. Mr. Bates, I love you and always will." Anna replied sweetly but added with a little annoyance, "So stop being so thick-headed."

Anna's words made him feel better but there was still heaviness in the pit of his stomach.

"Anna, I am sorry. I'm not use to someone so good in my life. I'm afraid I need to be reassured it's real from time to time. But that isn't fair to you, and I truly am sorry."

"Mr. Bates, I know you need to be reassured, that's why I do it all the time. I don't want you to have to hide anything from me, even the doubts and worries." Anna looked at him, "Did something happen while you were in London?"

"What makes you say that?" John asked. He hoped he wasn't being that obvious, but she was right, he had been more negative since returning from London.

"Intuition? That distant look in your eyes? Something's bothering you and you said your mother was well so it's not that," Anna explained.

John took a deep breath. He had sent some letters to Vera's relatives and a few friends back in Ireland. He at least wanted to hear back from them before he said anything. John held onto a small sliver of hope that someone will know where she was.

"Yes, you're right, something did happen, but it's still in progress. I'll tell you soon enough, just not now," John finally said.

"Alright," Anna replied. Once again, John appreciated her patience and understanding.

John looked ahead and saw the younger housemaids entering the hall. He realized their alone time was almost over, but he wanted to end it on a happier note. He looked down at Anna and smiled.

"Let's have a good afternoon. I promise I'll stop being so daft if you enjoy yourself." John said.

"I think I can manage that," Anna replied.

"And please at least let the soldiers think they have a chance with someone as beautiful as you. Don't completely shut them down, at least act interested, so they'll be brimming with confidence before they leave for battle," John requested.

"And you promise you won't mind?" Anna teased.

"No, because I know who will be walking you home." By then, they had reached the door, so John held it open for her. The hall was nearly filled with uniforms, but the occasional civilian dotted the crowd. John and Anna found some spots at a table near the back. Just as they sat down, a man called the room to order. Several of the commanding officers gave speeches and even his lordship said a few words. Finally, the vicar dedicated a blessing for the soldiers and prayed over the food. The hall was then filled with the sound of utensils scratching plates and the chatter of hundreds of people. John talked briefly to the soldiers at his table, but mainly just listened. He hardly wanted to discuss war, but he could do little to escape the conversation during the meal.

After lunch ended, everyone had the opportunity to mingle with others. Anna politely talked to anyone that approached her, greeting each person with a warm smile. John mainly stood in the outskirts, not in the mood to talk of war any longer. He tried to refrain from hovering over Anna, but from time to time, he would catch a bit of the conversation. Every time one of the soldiers complimented Anna, her ears burned bright red and her eyes found John. These men were headed to war; he had no problem with them flirting with Anna, as long as none of them tried anything or got too crass. John feigned jealousy a few times, but he would always follow his act with a wink to reassure Anna it was all in jest. John finally left her side to keep tabs on the younger girls. Mrs. Hughes would skin Anna and John if anything happened to them. The housemaids were surprisingly conducting themselves maturely and keeping out of trouble, all he noticed was harmless flirting. But no one was trying to sneak off or be indecent. John supposed Anna could have chaperoned them by herself, but he would never tell Mrs. Hughes that, in case another opportunity arose for chaperoning.

Lord Grantham noticed John and summoned him. His lordship was surrounded by the officers, talking about the glory days. John shifted uncomfortably as Lord Grantham talked about John during the war. His lordship was retelling their battles and even mentioned John's injury. John's collar seemed to be tightening around his neck as the thoughts of war pounded down on him. He was about ready to get some air when he heard those around him bidding each other farewell.

As others were departing, John's eyes found Anna and he already felt calmer. She walked up to him with a soft smile.

Anna said, "Now the hard part, getting the others to leave. I hate to end their fun, but we need to get back to prepare for dinner."

John simply responded, "I'll be the bad guy and take care of it."

John saw May, Rose, and Katherine laughing with a group of soldiers. He approached them and coughed loudly, interrupting the fun. "Ladies, we best be getting back." The girls glared at him for a moment before saying goodbye. The soldiers were upset to see them go and protested their departure. But with one final look at John, the girls begrudgingly followed him.

As the group left the building, dark clouds and the smell of rain greeted them. The air had cooled considerably since the morning.

"It's gonna storm. We best hurry if we don't want to get stuck," John said.

The three girls hurried down the path towards Downton, a bit more subdued than in the morning. Clearly, they hoped to catch the soldiers outside one last time, but the imminent rain ruined any chance.

John quickened his pace the best he could, but his bad leg refused to continue at such a rate. Even as rain drops began to fall, Anna stayed with him.

"You don't have to wait for me," and then he added, "we both don't need to get wet." The rain was mainly a mist at the moment, but he could sense the storm building and knew he would not be able to outrun the rain.

"I know I don't _have _to wait for you, Mr. Bates, but I _want_ to wait for you. _Always_." Anna replied, with emphasis on all the right words.

Something as simple as adding the always made John's heart nearly burst. He could have every doubt in the world, but she would never give up on him. "Reassuring me again?" John asked with a smile.

They continued down the path in the light rain and silence for some time. He soured their conversations before lunch and he did not want to spoil their alone time again. Every so often, his hand would brush against hers, but he kept his eyes to the path. Looking at Anna would only slow him down so he owed it to both of them to continue full steam ahead. The girls were only small figures in the distance. Just as John thought they may be able to make it back before the storm, the skies completely opened up and heavy rain flooded down. He heard the screams of the younger housemaids as he presumed they took off running. The rain obscured any sites outside his immediately proximity.

John finally looked at Anna, shivering without an umbrella. She refused to leave his side, even in a downpour.

"Anna, wait, take this." John took off his overcoat and went to place it on Anna. She stepped towards him and he finally saw how truly wet she was. Her hair was drenched and water droplets speckled her nose. But John had a hard time focusing on her face. Her dress was soaked, making it partially see-through. Her shawl did little to hide what was underneath. He could only stare, mouth agape, at the wet fabric hanging to her curves. As John's sights returned to Anna's face, he noticed a hungriness in her eye that mirrored his own desire. Completely forgetting about the coat and rain, John instead brought his lips to her. He kissed her passionately, relishing the moment. As his hand free of the coat clung to her hips, her shivering body finally brought John back to his senses.

"Oh, right, sorry," was all he could muster as he draped his heavy coat over her shoulders. His coat did enough to cover her small frame, finally protecting her from the rain.

"Don't be." Anna giggled as she found his eyes, blinking through raindrops. John felt like a wet dog, he was soaked to the bone, but all he could do was smile. A strand of Anna's hair was plastered to her forehead, so he gently put it back in place behind her ear. He nearly kissed her again but Anna interrupted with, "We best be moving." She was right, they hadn't moved in minutes, they best not dolly any longer.

This time, Anna left John's side and took the lead. Shortly, the torrential downpour transformed into a steady rain, slightly improving the visibility. John willed his leg to move faster but found it increasingly difficult as he had evaded puddles. Anna noticed his struggles so tried to take the easiest and driest path forward. John followed her footsteps to the best of his ability. As they walked the last bend toward home, the rain returned to a light mist.

Every so often, Anna would look back and give John a sweet grin, slyly beckoning him to catch her. He nearly caught her several times, trying to grab her hips, but she would always speed up at the last second.

"Toying with me?" John growled.

"No, just trying to get us back faster." Anna responded with a light laugh. She looked back at him a little too long and didn't notice the dip in the path. John saw the hazard at the last second, but she was already upon it before he could utter a warning

Instinctively, John dropped his cane and lunged for Anna. He managed to reach her before she fell. But as he supported her weight, pain shot through his bad leg as it settled at an awkward angle. Anna stood up, but as John tried to mimic the action, his knee gave way and he fell hard to his hands and good knee.

"ARRRGGHHH," was all he could manage to say as he attempted to rise.

"I'm so sorry. Are you alright?" Anna said as she supported him to an upright position but his right leg refused to bear any weight. He looked down and noticed his ripped pants revealed a bleeding left knee as well. He hadn't even felt that scrape.

Concerned filled her face as she asked "Oh no, should I go get someone?"

"No, no, we are almost there. But I may need your help the rest of the way." John grimaced as he again tried to put weight on his bad leg. "I may need a lot of help."

Anna grabbed his cane and curled under his right shoulder, placing her hand on his back, "Just lean on me, I got you," she said quietly. "This is my fault, I should have been paying attention."

Slowly, but surely, they struggled to the back of the house. Initially, John thought his leg would be alright, but even with Anna, each step became more and more taxing. He hoped it was merely a sprain since he didn't hear or feel a pop. John tried to brave the pain the best he could to keep Anna from worrying. But his clenched jar and tight grasp on her waist clearly showed his discomfort. The pain with each step sufficiently prevented him from enjoying the closeness to Anna.

Mrs. Hughes opened the back door for them. Clearly she had been on the lookout for the pair after the girls returned without them. "Good heavens, are you alright?" John collapsed immediately in the first chair he saw.

"Daisy, please go fetch William." Mrs. Hughes bellowed to the scullery maid. Daisy nodded and left for upstairs.

"What are on earth happened?" the housekeeper asked as she tried to survey the damage.

"My knee gave out." John explained.

"A little more than that happened. I wasn't paying attention and tripped. I would've fell flat on my face if Mr. Bates didn't catch me. His leg wasn't properly planted as he supported my weight and then, yes, his knee gave out." Anna elaborated.

"It'll be fine after I sit for a bit" John assured them, but he knew that was a lie. Even sitting, his leg throbbed worse that it had in years.

"Don't listen to him. He can't put any weight on his knee at all, we barely made it back." Anna further explained, worried about him.

"I'm going to send for Dr. Clarkson, but we need to get you cleaned up. You're drenched to the bone and bleeding as well. You're going to catch a cold," Mrs. Hughes said, sounding exactly like his mother. While he appreciated the concern from both women, he did not want them to fret needlessly over him.

"No, no, don't need to make a fuss and get Dr. Clarkson. I just need some rest," John truly appreciated the offer, but he did not want to be an inconvenience. He contemplated standing up and making his way upstairs, but he doubted that he could do it alone.

"Nonsense, we are sending for Dr. Clarkson and he is going to check you out," Mrs. Hughes reassured him.

As John looked back between Mrs. Hughes and Anna, he knew the battle was lost and he made no more objections.

"Stay here, I'll be right back," Anna said.

Mrs. Hughes joked kindly, "I'm not saying you should have let Anna fall, but you seemed to cause more trouble for yourself by catching her."

"I'll try to remember that next time, but I don't think I could ever let a lady fall in my presence," John responded. The housekeeper had a point, but he did not regret his actions.

"No, I wouldn't expect you to do that. But you are going to have to stay off that leg for a while." Mrs. Hughes added.

By this time, Anna and William had both entered the servants' hall.

"How can I help, Mrs. Hughes?" William asked as he observed the state John was in.

"Ah, William, could you please assist Mr. Bates up the stairs and help him out of his wet clothes before he gets sick?" Mrs. Hughes asked.

"Of course," William said.

"One second, let me clean up his knee," Anna interjected; her hands were full of antiseptic and bandages.

Mrs. Hughes nodded and Anna bent down in front of him, tending to his scraped knee. John struggled to not blush as her delicate hands tended to his leg. The antiseptic stung but her fingers gently stroked the back of his knee to distract him from the pain. Luckily, Mrs. Hughes and William were at an angle where they could not see her secret touch. She then wrapped his knee.

"There, he's all yours, William." Anna said. And with that, John rose while trying to avoiding placing weight on his right leg. William supported him up the stairs, but he heard Anna talking to Mrs. Hughes.

"I just feel awful, it was all my fault. If only I was looking where I was going." Anna said. By the time Mrs. Hughes responded, John and William were out of earshot. But John hated that Anna felt guilty about the accident. He should have known better and been more careful, but he could have never let her fall.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading and thanks for the reviews! I really do appreciate reading all of them.

I wanted to let you know this story will be on hiatus for a month or so, or at least, on the back burner. I am wanting to write another Bates/Anna story before the Christmas Special airs so that one will take precedence. And if anyone's interested, I would like someone to preview my new story and help me fix some kinks. Once finals are done and break starts, I may have time to work on both but no promises. This story is definitely not done yet, still a lot more fluff and angst to come.

Speaking of which, I have some of the next chapters plans, and some of the chapters right before season 2 planned, but there's still some open space in my timeline. If you have any request of special moments for between season 1 and season 2, I would be happy to try to incorporate it into my story. I am always very opened to suggestions, and sometimes others have great insight that adds to the stories. So yes, please let me know.

Okay, so this chapter had a mind of its own, it went about 5 different directions as I wrote it but I tried to pull it all together. I think it's my longest chapter because I had so many ideas for it, and I knew I was taking a break so I wanted to get as much down as possible. I hope you enjoyed some of the playful banter, some of the angst (which is a bit of development for later chapters), and of course, Bates' injury (which will allow Anna ample time to care for him).


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